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Thursday, August 31, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:

LOOKING FOR FREEDOM HASSELHOFF!

POINTLESS HABERDASHERY AWARD OF THE WEEK:


Kate Moss has been named Britain's best hat wearer by a consortium aimed at promoting hat wearing. A spokesman for said consortium says:
"Kate manages to wear the most elaborate and extravagant millinery designs with great confidence and aplomb and, most importantly, without the hat seemingly wearing her. She has the face to launch a thousand hat collections and has done much to promote hat wearing in recent years."
WHAT IN THE DAMN? If snorting enormous amounts of drugs leads you to be named Britain's best hat wearer, pass the effing coke spoon.



RHETORICAL QUESTION OF THE DAY: WILL THE HAIRSPRAY MOVIE BE RETARDED?



SNORE ME A PERFUME:

K-FED FOLLOWS IN PAULY SHORE'S FOOTSTEPS...


...and will guest star on ENTOURAGE! Apparently, he's not "really" playing himself and is doing three episodes where he plays a dead beat husband of a celebrity. So....he's basically playing himself. Says an insider, "He is really keen - and not insulted when he was asked to play the part." Um..that's because he's broke! What else is he going to do????

SMART GIRL APPRECIATION QUOTE OF THE DAY:


"I'm coming to England in September and I want to find myself a beautiful girlfriend. But I don't want some dumb blonde. I'd like a woman who is really intelligent." - DAVID HASSELHOFF

A REASON TO WATCH THE VMAS IF THERE EVER WAS ONE:


So the VMAs are tonight on MTV, hosted by Sir Jack Black. I usually tune in to approximately 1% of this show, but apparently, I'll have to tune into a good 2-3% since my beloved OK GO is performing....ON TREADMILLS! Yes, apparently they are recreating their video for HERE IT GOES AGAIN (aka the greatest music video ever made). How do I know? Well I got ahold of this lil' video they took in a men's room with JC CHASEZ. No, really. And JC is actually pretty not lame, well at least until the end. Check it out:



Wednesday, August 30, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


AIRBRUSHED, DUETIN' HASSELHOFF!

FROM THE HALLMARK HALL OF FAME VAULTS: Return of the Native.


HHoF: RETURN OF THE NATIVE tells the classic THOMAS HARDY tale of Eustacia Vye (CATHERINE EFFIN ZETA JONES), a beautiful, sensual nineteen-year-old (you heard me. This was 1994, mind you) called the "Queen of the Night," who has one desire: to be loved to madness by a man who is worthy of her and who will take her to exotic places. Living in desolate, barren Egdon Heath, Eustacia considers only one man worthy enough to love--Damon Wildeve (CLIVE FRIGGIN OWEN), a former civil engineer turned owner of an inn. She and Wildeve share a passionate, wild nature and enjoy toying with each other's affections. However, the sweet, simple Thomasin Yeobright (CLAIRE SKINNER)has also caught Wildeve's attentions and is engaged to him. On their wedding day, the marriage license is discovered to be invalid, either by Wildeve's intent or mistake, leaving Thomasin utterly humiliated and Eustacia, who believes that Wildeve loves her more than he loves Thomasin--utterly joyous. Long, wistful suffering ensues. Oh, and JOAN PLOWRIGHT IS IN IT.

POINT / COUNTERPOINT: THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE.


POINT: This play is really good. And really bloody.

COUNTERPOINT: The overt violence this show displays should be translated to other plays.


...and...Go!

POINT: It seems like no one except Martin McDonagh is writing witty, dark comedies these days. Much like last year's THE PILLOWMAN, everything he writes is fresh, honest, and hilarious.
COUNTERPOINT: There are body parts and blood all over the stage. This is great! Man, I wish they would do the same with, say, BYE BYE BIRDIE.
POINT: This satire is completely relevant yet not heavy handed. How refreshing to see a play which can accomplish both.
COUNTERPOINT: How hilarious would a production of FLOWER DRUM SONG be that included a bloodbath ballet?
POINT: Many would assume that Broadway audiences would not be able to handle a comedy about terrorism, and yet it seems to be exactly what the doctor ordered.
COUNTERPOINT: No...wait...wait...wait....a bloodbath in a TENNESSEE WILLIAMS play would be fantastic! What about....THE GLASS MENAGERIE?
POINT: McDonagh isn't afraid to present a play which ends in a bloodbath. He is always pushing the envelope, and one only hopes he will continue to.
COUNTERPOINT: I think bloodbaths in a great American musical is where it's at. And it doesn't get more American than...drumroll please....THE MUSIC MAN! But the possibilities are bloody endless! Get it? Bloody?! HAHAHAHA.....ha....

...and...Time.

MOVIE MOST LIKELY FOR ME TO CHEER / CRY ON:


I just saw a trailer for the new indie film, THE MOTEL, and I think we've found a winner. The film centers on an adolescent boy who has to work at his family's sleazy hourly-rate motel on a strip of desolate suburban bi-way. Misunderstood by his family and blindly careening into puberty, Ernest befriends Sam Kim, a self-destructive yet charismatic Korean man who has checked in. Sam teaches the fatherless boy all the rites of manhood.
Please watch this trailer. It will make you want to cry tears of pure love. Check it here.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

HASSELHOFF = HIPHASSELHOP


READY FOR ACTION HASSELHOFF!

VOM ENDUCING COUPLE OF THE MOMENT:


Apparently, this is for reals (well according to pillar of journalistic integrity, US WEEKLY, anyway). But maybe they deserve each other since they're both at the same level of gross.

JOHN MARK KARR NOW CREEPY and DELUSIONAL.


In a recorded July 29 phone conversation, noted creepshow JOHN MARK KARR noted that he wanted JOHNNY DEPP to portray him in a movie to be based on a manuscript Karr had authored. During that chat, Karr also noted that he was skilled at mimicry and was especially proud of his ability "to impersonate Katherine Hepburn." I'm sorry, but it doesn't get any more creepy and/or delusional than that.

PAM AND KID ROCK CELEBRATE GAZILLIONTH CLASSY WEDDING!



Monday, August 28, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


MEDAL CLAD HASSELHOFF!

THE SECOND COMING OF CIRCUS OF THE STARS?

GROSS: BUY BRITNEY'S LEFTOVERS.

Britney_spears_food

So if you REALLY love Britney, you can buy her old food that some waiter lovingly preserved for some wacko to buy. It's an egg salad sandwich eaten by Britney and - get this - A CORN DOG EATEN BY K-FED. It doesn't get more poetic or pathetic than that.

HELEN MIRREN IS THE QUEEN!


Get this woman's Oscar ready. HELEN MIRREN plays Queen Elizabeth II in the new film, THE QUEEN, which follows the Queen's seemingly cold reaction to the death of Princess Diana. Mirren just won an Emmy for playing Queen Elizabeth I last night, so clearly she needs an Oscar to add to that! Check the trailer here.

THE EMMYS RUIN EVERYTHING GOOD AND PURE!


So last night, the most boring awards show of the year, the EMMYS, were on. The only upside is that comic genius, CONAN O'BRIEN hosted to sheer perfection. Other than that, basically everything and everyone that I wanted to win did NOT. What is wrong with people? Here is the list of winners:

Outstanding Drama Series Outstanding Comedy Series
  • The Office NBC (but...ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT! Come ON.)
Outstanding Miniseries
  • Elizabeth I HBO
Outstanding Made For Television Movie
  • The Girl In The Café HBO
Outstanding Reality-Competition Program Outstanding Reality Program
  • Antiques Roadshow PBS (Not KATHY GRIFFIN? Sigh.)
Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
  • Kiefer Sutherland - 24 FOX (SNORE)
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
  • Blythe Danner - Huff Showtime (Oh god, why couldn't it have been anyone else?)
Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series Outstanding Directing For A Drama Series
  • 24 7:00 AM - 8:00 AM FOX
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
  • Tony Shalhoub - Monk USA (GODDDDAMNIT! How many does he need? THE ANSWER WAS STEVE CARELL!)
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
  • Megan Mullally - Will & Grace NBC (ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?)
Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series Outstanding Directing For A Comedy Series Outstanding Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie
  • Andre Braugher - Thief FX Network
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie
  • Helen Mirren - Elizabeth I HBO
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie
  • Jeremy Irons - Elizabeth I HBO
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie
  • Kelly Macdonald - The Girl In The Café HBO
Outstanding Individual Performance In A Variety Or Music Program
  • Barry Manilow - Barry Manilow: Music And Passion PBS (@Q#NJ )QFN Q!!!! NONONONONONO. Holy Mother of all that is good and pure, NO!)
Outstanding Writing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy ProgramOutstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program
  • 78th Annual Academy Awards ABC

Friday, August 25, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


BERLIN WALL CHISELING HASSELHOFF!

MOVIE HOMEWORK: Idlewild


OutKast + Prohibition era + lavish musical numbers + Macy Gray? That just sounds like good math to me. Plus, I'm not about to miss a movie that Owen Gleiberman called "a ticket to rowdy good times." IDLEWILD might just be the feel-good musical of the year. Well, until DREAMGIRLS anyway. But December 22nd is a long way off, so until then, I'm checkin' this speakeasy out.

DOLLY OF THE WEEK:


DOLLY'S DIXIE STAMPEDE DOLLY! What could be finer than a home cooked meal and watching 32 horses, dozens of cast members, live buffalo, and amazing ostrich races while you eat? NOTHING! Dolly says, "I wanted to recreate the family fun of my childhood, when we'd gather for a friendly competition and enjoy a more-than-filling meal." Well why not? It all started in PIGEON FORGE, TN but now you can see the Dixie Stampede in Orlando, Branson and Myrtle Beach. The meal and show might be $37.99, but the memories? Priceless.

MEAT LOAF MIGHT HAVE TOURETTES


MEAT LOAF, my favorite bat out of hell, showed up at the Kerrang! Awards in London to present the Best Video Award and dropped the F bomb 10 times in under 40 seconds. He yelled at the crowd,"You mother f***ers are pissing me off, I saw more f***ing energy at the Christian f***ing rock awards. This isn't about f***ing cool, this is about f***ing rock and roll."
No word yet from the Christian EFFING rock awards. But methinks Meat Loaf won't be invited any time soon. You can actually see this effed up display here.

GAY STORE PRO & CON: Martin Short - Fame Becomes Me.

One-man (or woman) shows have become a new Broadway trend, almost as much as juke box musicals or screen-to-stage musicals. MARTIN SHORT'S show seems to be a bit different however - it's not just an actor with a stool getting nostalgic about their lives - this show has a full score, four comedy-back-up performers, and a story that is clearly made-up. Martin Short isn't just sending himself up - he's sending Broadway, Hollywood, and pop culture in general up. But does it work?

PRO: MARC SHAIMAN and A MARC SHAIMAN SCORE.
You get two for the price of one - not only do you get a brilliantly zany score from HAIRSPRAY composer/lyricist Marc Shaiman, but you also get to see him play onstage as himself, and the banter between he and Short couldn't be funnier.


CON: IT'S A LITTLE HOKEY.


Sure, it's funny when you send up WICKED or HAIR or ELAINE STRITCH (especially when the lyrics, props, and costuming are spot on), but after a while, you wonder if you're watching a show on Broadway or just FORBIDDEN BROADWAY.


PRO: MARY BIRDSONG CHANNELING JUDY GARLAND.
Who says women can't be drag performers? In an early scene, Short describes a movie his father had starred in - a Canadian rip-off of THE WIZARD OF OZ in which Birdsong plays a would-be Garland (to pitch-perfection) and Short plays a picket fence. It doesn't get much funnier than that.

CON: MARTIN SHORT PRETENDING TO BE A BABY.
Not everyone has seen THE BAND WAGON (in which a similar baby number is employed) as many times as I have - and even so, it's just not funny.

PRO: BROOKS ASHMANSKAS
ON STILTS AS TOMMY TUNE.

I mean, that's just plain funny.

CON: FOSSE JOKES
A guy on stilts is a tough act to follow, so why even bother?

PRO: JIMINY GLICKShort has been trotting this character out for a while now, and for good reason - as the bumbling celebrity journalist Glick, he's just plain funny. Unfortunately, the short-lived Comedy Central show based on the character got canned almost immediately, but lucky for us, he's back. And live.

CON: JIMINY GLICK'S GUESTS


One of the conceits of this show is that a random celebrity is picked out of the audience every night and interviewed by Short as Glick. On some nights, audiences have been fortunate enough to see NATHAN LANE, JERRY SEINFELD, or GARRY MARSHALL, but I had to suffer through some random host of a Sirius sports show. Talk about luck of the draw.


PRO: MARTIN SHORT
This show helps remind us of just how funny - and talented - this guy is. It's a shame he hasn't always found the best niche for his talents, but he's back and seems to be better than ever. One particular moment where he is impersonating KATHARINE HEPBURN doing a plate spinning act is just plain genius.

CON: MARTIN SHORT
Sometimes stars are their worst enemies. There are more than one squandered opportunites here. Although Martin Short's formidable talents are on display, the show is often too scattered or too equal opportunity (CAPATHIA JENKINS almost steals the show in the last 15 minutes) for Short to really shine. But it's still a lot better than Short's forthcoming project - THE SANTA CLAUSE 3 - so get this Short while the gettings good.


SURVEY SAYS: 3 out of a possible 4 GAY PRIDE FLAGS.

NOT SINCE DYNASTY....

Has a show looked so purely, cat-fightingly, shoulder-paddingly campy. FASHION HOUSE, starring BO DEREK and MORGAN FAIRCHILD promises to be Beyond-the-Valley-of-the-dolls FABULOUS. Take a look:




Thursday, August 24, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


JUST THRILLED TO BE WEARING A TIE HASSELHOFF!

BAND OF THE WEEK: OutKast.


Just as "HEY YA" was becoming a distant memory of summers past, OUTKAST is back. Always willing to prove that style and substance do not have to be separate entities, now they're out to prove that movie musicals aren't strictly for theater queens. This week, their movie, IDLEWILD (directed by HEY YA / AIN'T NO OTHER MAN music video director BRYAN BARBER) opens. It is set in Prohibition-era South and BIG BOI plays Rooster, a speakeasy performer and manager and ANDRE 3000 plays Percival, his partner and piano player. The stomp-out-loud score mixes hip-hop and blues and features songs like "LIFE IS A MUSICAL", "HOLLYWOOD DIVORCE," and "CALL THE LAW." You better scoot on over and download it, ya hear? If you need any more convincing, just check out the trailer: