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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


LEATHER PANTS WEARING HOFF!

WINONA WILL NOT GET OVER IT.


4 years after being convicted for shoplifting, WINONA RYDER is still traumatized. She could not bring herself to attend this year's Cannes Film Festival to promote A SCANNER DARKLY with costars KEANU REEVES and ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. Reeves explained, "Robert and I were speaking of how we miss her and wish she was here because she's such a delightful person and really good actress. But, for her to be here and have to deal with all these other kinds of questions--I don't know if she's quite ready to do that." OPEN LETTER TO WINONA RYDER: GET OVER IT. We have!

CELEBRITY PHOTOS OF THE DAMNED: Rosario Dawson.

GOLDIE HAWN HAS WRITTEN A MOVIE.


GOLDIE HAWN has written a movie entitled ASHES TO ASHES about a widow who brings her late husband's ashes to rest in India. Hawn will also direct the picture, which will star herself and long-time love KURT RUSSELL. If you think this sounds like a terrible idea, you're probably right but I will still support 1000% of what Goldie Hawn does.

THE WHISTLES GO WHOO! WHOO!

This is a news story from LA which is about these mufflers you can get that make your car whistle. Anycrap, the most amazing part is when the reporter goes to a mechanic shop and a mechanic by the name of BUBB RUBB lays it all down for you. The whistles go WHOO. WHOO.





Tuesday, May 30, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:



SHIRTLESS, HAIRY, SMILING, MAGAZINE READING HASSELHOFF!

LATEST DANCE TREND TO BE RUINED BY DAVID LACHAPELLE AND/OR MADONNA:

It's called "Jumpen" and from what I can gather, it involves jumping around so much that it looks like you are dancing. Oh, and it's best when you do it in an empty forest. It's pretty big in the Netherlands right now, so you know it's just a matter of time before this is in ever music video. Ever.




CELEBRITY PHOTOS OF THE DAMNED: Kiera Knightley

TODAY IN CELEBRITY PREGNANCY NEWS!


REESE WITHERSPOON might be knocked up again! No official announcements have been made, but this picture doesn't lie, and neither do her hips.
MIRA SORVINO had a baby boy, JOHNNY with her 24-year-old husband/squatter who shall remain nameless. For the rest of his life.
SOFIA COPPOLA is 3 months pregnant. The father is her boyfriend, THOMAS MARS of the band PHOENIX. This baby is gonna be a....looker?
Oh, and CINDY CRAWFORD might be pregnant. Or, you know, not anorexic.

YOUTUBE A GO GO!

Well it's the day after a holiday weekend, and most of us are recovering from sunburns, too much potato salad, and the birth of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. So let's take a load off and watch some youtube, shall we? I got a tip that watching show choirs on youtube is amazing - and it is. I never had a show choir at my school, but B-DANG, I wish I had. Who could resist dozens of gauky teenagers belting out songs while also forced to do half-assed choreography while wearing terrible matching outfits? Here is one tasty clip of an award-winning show choir singing I DROVE ALL NIGHT.



Well after having my fill of show choirs, I moved on to my first love: A Capella choirs. This one takes it to the next level by performing a medley of NINTENDO THEME SONGS.




Last, but certainly not least, here are some little girls doing a tap routine to the GHOSTBUSTERS theme!



Friday, May 26, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


MASTERPIECE HASSELHOFF!

MOVIE HOMEWORK: An Inconvenient Truth


For those of us who like our facts delivered in a sensational manner by political dreamboats, AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH might be for you. Billed as a horror movie, this documentary features Al Gore telling us how global warming is, for cereal, going to ruin everything. The Los Angeles Times called it, "highly persuasive," Variety called it an "excellent educational tool," and the NY Times called it just plain, "necessary." Hell, forget about the popcorn - grab the granola. I'm there.

GAY STORE BULLETIN: Get out your Kleenex!


Vanessa Redgrave will star in a one-woman stage adaptation of Joan Didion's bestseller The Year of Magical Thinking. The show is set to open on March 29, 2007 at the Booth Theatre. Didion, who has written numerous screenplays but never a stage play, wrote The Year of Magical Thinkin about a particularly devastating portion of her life. It details her feelings from the death of her husband and longtime collaborator, John Gregory Dunne, from a massive heart attack on December 30, 2003. During that same period, their only child lay unconscious in a hospital after suffering septic shock. (She died this August at the age of 39.) The title The Year of Magical Thinking comes from Didion's feeling that Dunne's death propelled her into a state of thought she refers to as "magical thinking." OMG, get ready for a sob-fest!

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: Ragepot, expatriate.


Well, you might have heard that Michelle Rodriguez, after completing a 5 day jail sentence for DUI and getting killed off the hit show, LOST, got in trouble with the law and now has to serve an additional 60 days in jail for a prior brush with the law. She's now saying that once she serves her sentence, she'll be gettin' the hell out of here.
I'm moving to France. You know, people don't bother you there. I do what I got to do. Then I leave the country and never come back.
Hey, fine by me, M-Rod. Just don't come cryin' to me when the French guillotine your asss.

DOLLY OF THE WEEK:


DUETIN' DOLLY! Our girl teamed up with BRAD PAISLEY for the song, "When I Get Where I'm Going" and it won two AMERICAN COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS, for Video of the Year and Vocal Event of the Year! Way to go, Dolly!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


AMERICAN IDOL LOVING HASSELHOFF!

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO MEAT LOAF IS, YOU DON'T GET TO BE AN AMERICAN IDOL. PERIOD.


American Idol LOSER Katherine McPhee had this to say about singing with rock legend / sweat machine MEAT LOAF:

"They just came to me. It wasn't like it was my choice. They just said, Okay, you'll be singing with so-and-so...I didn't even know who he was. But now I do. He was like really big in the '70s, right?"


OPEN NOTE TO KATHERINE McPHEE: If you want America to feel sorry for you for being such a big loser, SHUT YOUR EFFING PIE HOLE.

BAND OF THE WEEK: Riverbottom Nightmare Band.

First off, if you haven't seen EMMET OTTER'S JUG BAND CHRISTMAS, you haven't lived. It's about Christmas, not having holes in washtubs, and a very important battle of the bands. Sure, Emmet Otter's Jug Band was cute and all, with their grit, determination, and general good manners. But who could deny the throbbing, hypnotic, psychedelic experience that is the RIVERBOTTOM NIGHTMARE BAND? Not only are their songs brilliant, but they also feature a crazy light show and a large fish that spits from a water tank. They're not just the band you love to hate, they're the band you love to love.

BURNING QUESTIONS FROM LAST NIGHT'S LOST!

1. Am I watching gay porn?I mean...this is all of Chelsea's wet dream. All the hot guys on the island shirtless or semi-shirtless on a boat. Wait, not porn? Okay just checking. In that case, do we think they'll actually end up using this boat next season to...you know...try to get off that island? Nah, too easy.

2. How does that guitar stay in tune?I mean...they're on a tropical island. Wouldn't the humidity really do a number on that thing? Also, why hasn't Charlie composed any island hits yet or at least started to play a lot of Jimmy Buffett or started some campfire sing-alongs? Oh, right. Because Charlie is useless.

3. Why is Mr. Eko the only one who looks like he's actually living on an island?Remember how the hatch has a WASHER AND DRYER IN IT? Everyone else on this island has been taking advantage of that, but Eko is still walking around wearing clothes like he's the Hulk. Someone please get Queer Eye on the horn! Wait, that show is still on right?

BRITNEY IS THE NEW COURTNEY LOVE!

Exhibit A:

FROM THE HALLMARK HALL OF FAME VAULTS: What the Deaf Man Heard


This 1997 classic, WHAT THE DEAF MAN HEARD, centers on Sammy (MATTHEW effin MODINE) as a man who people think is deaf...BUT ISN'T! In 1945, as a young boy (played in flashback by FRANKIE MUNIZ), Sammy arrives in a small Georgia town on a bus from which his Mother (BERNADETTE PETERS) was abducted and murdered. Alone, he sits quietly and everyone becomes convinced that he was deaf and mute. Deciding that silence offered some power and protection, the boy decides to remain mute and just listens to all that is being said around him by people who thinks that he cannot hear. The all-star cast also includes HHoF fav JAMES EARL JONES, TOM SKERRITT, CLAIRE BLOOM, JUDITH IVEY, and JERRY O'CONNELL AS A PREACHER!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


DECAPITATED HASSELHOFF!

FERGIE: THE SCARIEST OF ALL!


Fergie has been cast in Quentin Tarantino / Robert Rodriguez's new horror movie, GRIND HOUSE, which is two 75 minute movies by each director made into one movie. No word yet on who she'll play, but whether it's a zombie, a mummy, or a werewolf, she's been cast in the right movie.

DREAMGIRLS: BEST MOVIE OF '06?

So I never saw the musical DREAMGIRLS, but I have been following closely the featurettes they've released on the movie, and I can now say that it will likely be one of the greatest (new) movie musicals around. Better than CHICAGO? Maybe. Gay? DEFINITELY. Oscar for JENNIFER HUDSON? Fingers crossed! You know where you'll find me in December - somewhere in Chelsea weepin' over this in a pit of homosexuals!



"FAT" HOLLYWOOD SPEAKS!


Lard-ass Rebecca Romijn has spoken out against tabloids who have said that she is fat. She explains, "I was focusing on my personal life for the first time in years and really enjoying myself. But getting attention from the tabloids for my 'relaxation period' was awful and confusing. I'd never felt better emotionally and physically, and yet I was being told I was fat!" Okay, note to media: models don't get fat. Ever.

Divas do, however. But now that Ms. Janet has slimmed down, she has explained that her weight gain was for a possible movie project, not from KFC. "I put on the pounds for a film I was to do with LEE DANIELS, the producer of 'Monster's Ball,' which a lot of people didn't know..they wanted a full-figured woman. She's from the South, a waitress. I had to turn around and take it off, which was a task -- I started my regimen in January; it took a 'little minute. I've still got work to do. I have to build my endurance and muscle for the tour. That's the next phase of this whole thing." The film is called Tennessee and Mariah Carey is now taking over the role Janet passed on. So basically, Janet is calling Mariah fat. Um... I smell a cat fight!

JOAN CUSACK TO PLAY JULIA CHILD!



That's basically all you need to know. JOAN CUSACK. As JULIA CHILD. In a new film. OSCARS ALL AROUND.

SNEAK PEEK AT MADONNA'S TOUR!

So if you are curious about what seems to be the opening number of Madonna's world tour, here ya go! It's basically exactly what you'd expect: video screens of horses (reminiscent of the RING), Madonna appearing from inside a disco ball, and a thousand screaming queens. Enjoy!



Tuesday, May 23, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


TIRE SWING HASSELHOFF!

DO NOT ASK GAYKEN IF HE IS GAY, OKAY??!!


So GAYKEN is performing at the AMERICAN IDOL finale tonight, and journalists are barred from asking him about his gay sex scandal! As per a FOX/American Idol directive this afternoon, entertainment journalists covering the AI finale are being instructed that any attempt to question or solicit comment from Clay Aiken regarding his recent scandal will result in their being barred from the finale. ... The interesting thing is that the directive says IF Clay appears, so it seems like his appearance may still be in question. Clay's name still has yet to appear on any call sheets or rehearsal information at the production office or Kodak. Um...beweave us, we don't want to even THINK about GAYKEN in any sort of sexual way, so....we won't ask if he doesn't tell.

SENATOR FRAN DRESCHER?


FRAN DRESCHER was on HOWARD STERN this morning and discussed that she would like to run for political office - perhaps SENATOR OR CONGRESSWOMAN FOR NY! She didn't say which party she would run as, but she has always been a supporter of the Democratic party and has spoken out against Bush and the death penalty. Omg, if HILLARY CLINTON and FRAN DRESCHER are representing NY, I am crabsolutely never moving.

CELEBRITY PHOTOS OF THE DAMNED: Kiki Dunst.

NO BUT REALLY: KIDS INCORPORATED WAS AMAZING!

God bless YouTube - I was just searching around it for Kids Incorporated videos (I mean, obvs...I am at work) when I came upon this little gem. If you were cool in elementary school, which clearly I was, you probably adored this show. I was obsessed with it. It's basically about a group of kids that performs in a night club for children. I was always really jealous of them. I definitely wanted to be on Kids Incorporated since it was 1000% cooler than the stupid Mickey Mouse Club. It made good use of pop songs of the time, fog machines, leggings, and the viewing public's ability to believe in a nightclub for children. Anycrap, the one downside is that it did give FERGIE a career, but it also gave MARTIKA one, so you win some and you lose some. So take a look at this video - it's two clips of the kids singing the themes from NEVERENDING STORY and GOONIES. It's a little long, but it's well worth it for a commercial for Sears slacks at the end.


IS IT MY BIRTHDAY? CHRIS DODD MIGHT RUN FOR PREZ!


So you may know that I am completely obsessed with Senator CHRIS DODD (D-CT), who has been the senator for my home state for my entire life. He is awesome because: he likes yelling about important issues like families, women's rights, etc, he's fluent in Spanish, he LIVES IN MY TOWN, he's KIMPOSSIBLE'S godfather, he's a stone fox, he appears in the movie DAVE, for some reason he got special thanks in the credits of EVITA, I mean...I could go on and on. Just know that he's awesome. I have always said that he was a better presidential candidate than lame-o LIEBERMAN, and now apparently all my wishes are coming true! But he still isn't sure if he's REALLY running or not. He told the Hartford Courant, " I decided to do all the things that are necessary to prepare to seek the presidency in 2008." So... just run already, right? Come, on, pretty please with sugar on top?

CELEBRITY PHOTOS OF THE DAMNED: Sharon Stone.


NEW ALVIN & THE CHIPMUNKS MOVIE?


With the release this week of the DVD of 1987's feature film, "The Chipmunk Adventure," (a classic film, obvs...remember their rendition of "Wooly Bully"? also, I know it was just my birthday, but someone please buy me this DVD) creator Ross Bagdasarian and collaborator Janice Karman are also at work on a script for a new movie they hope will be ready in time to mark the Chipmunks' 50th birthday. The couple, who continued the legacy after the elder Bagdasarian's death in 1972, say they aren't surprised there is still an audience for the Chipmunks. They strike a chord with siblings, children and parents who may fight "but at the end of the day" find they still love each other, said Karman. I AM FREAKING OUT! A CHIPMUNKS MOVIE WOULD BE BOSS. A CHIPMUNKS BWAY MUSICAL WOULD BE BOSSER.

Monday, May 22, 2006

PRINCE: THE WORLD'S SEXIEST VEG.


That's right: according to an annual PETA poll, PRINCE is the world's sexiest vegetarian. Well, of dudes anyway. VERONICA MARS star KRISTIN BELL is the world's sexiest lady spy vegetarian. Runners up included NATALIE PORTMAN, NICOLETTE SHERIDAN, and JOAQUIN PHOENIX. Okay, so I love me some PRINCE, but why didn't JOAQUIN win? You know how I feel about him, but he also really really loves PETA. Remember this, for instance? I mean, whatever. I love PRINCE, but...I'm just sayin'.

VINCENT GALLO ALMOST EFFED UP NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!



Darksided breaking news: sleazebag VINCENT GALLO was almost cast as Uncle Rico in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE. That would have pretty much been the lamest thing ever. I bet he has talons.

THE DISCO CRUCIFIX LIVES!


You may recall me talking about the disco crucifix that will be intergral to Madonna's summer tour. Well...we got the first look at it, and...it's...you know...a disco crucifix. Cool, right?....right? No, it is. I know I'll be screaming at it this June at MSG in a pit of homosexuality. How else are you going to spend the last week in June?

THIS WEEKEND: THE VIDEO

So if you're wondering how I spent this weekend, you need not look further than this video which was played by my roomie and myself approximately 1,000,000 times on loop all weekend. It is a 1986 music video by ANNIE GOLDEN, songstress of the band THE SHIRTS, and who will portray a character based on MY MOTHER next season at the MCC in THE BLACK SUITS by Joe Iconis. But as for now, all you need to know is this is quite literally the most catchy song. Ever. Written.


NICOLE KIDMAN MAKES BETTE MIDLER LAME.


BETTE MIDLER will perform at NICOLE KIDMAN and KEITH URBAN'S wedding next month, singing her hit, “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Kidman begged Midler to take to the stage, because the track is her all-time favorite, according to reports. Okay, so it has taken Bette about 10 years to get over how lame this song is, and she was doing just fine until Nicole Kidman came along to remind us that Bette Midler was lame for one fleeting moment in time. All I can say is I hope she's making a boatload of money for this.

TOMMY HILFIGER & AXL ROSE: TKO!



This is obviously my favorite fight of the week. So far. At ROSARIO DAWSON'S birthday party, Guns 'n' Roses frontman / recoverying acid vat victim AXL ROSE apparently asked fashion designer / black people profiteer TOMMY HILFIGER to watch his date's drink so that it wouldn't spill. HILFIGER responded by swearing and smacking ROSE, who just stood there and did not retaliate...at least not physically. Later, when he did an acoustic set, he dedicated the song, "You're Crazy," to "my good friend, Tommy Hilfiger." OMG! Is AXL ROSE my new best friend? I usually respect people who get into barfights, but retaliatory song dedication seems even more awesome.

Friday, May 19, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


NELLY HASSELHOFF!

A TEEN MOVIE EVEN JESUS WOULD LOVE!

So you know how much I love mash-up previews... (see: the Brokeback Mt parody addiction of Feb '06), but I have to say that this one is pretty hilarious. It imagines THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (starring Charlton Heston and Yul Brenner) as a teen comedy! Check it out:

MOVIE HOMEWORK: The Da Vinci Code


Even if you didn't read the book (which I sadly did), you might be tempted to go see this movie from the enormous amount of hype it has received. However, it just got TERRIBLE reviews, so you might think better of going. But wait - think about it THIS way - a 2 1/2 hour movie about art, murder, Tom Hank's hair, and France COULD be fun if you get trashed and scream stuff at the screen! When weas the last time you did that? GLITTER? SWIMF@N? It's been far too long. It's time. To further my point, here are some key quotes from AO Scott's hilarious Times Review:
"...we have had a flood of think pieces on everything from Jesus and Mary Magdalene's prenuptial agreement to the secret recipes of Opus Dei, and vexed, urgent questions have been raised: Is Christianity a conspiracy? Is "The Da Vinci Code" a dangerous, anti-Christian hoax? What's up with Tom Hanks's hair?Luckily I lack the learning to address the first two questions. As for the third, well, it's long, and so is the movie.....In spite of some talk (a good deal less than in the book) about the divine feminine, chalices and blades, and the spiritual power of sexual connection, not even a glimmer of eroticism flickers between the two stars. Perhaps it's just as well. When a cryptographer and a symbologist get together, it usually ends in tears. But thank the deity of your choice for Ian McKellan, who shows up just in time to give "The Da Vinci Code" a jolt of mischievous life. He plays a wealthy and eccentric British scholar named Leigh Teabing. (I will give Mr. Brown this much: he's good at names. If I ever have twins or French poodles, I'm calling them Bezu and Teabing for sure.)"

I rest my case. Grab a flask of gin and go see it!

I'LL LET YOU TAKE BEDFORD DIARIES, CW, BUT WHAT OF AQUAMAN?!?!?!?!

The CW had previously announced plans for an AQUAMAN show which seemed like a cross between SMALLVILLE, stuff they talk about on ENTOURAGE, DAWSON'S CREEK, and basically any PAUL WALKER movie. So obvs, I wouldn't be watching this anyway, but I do find it dark-sided that CW suspiciously took it off their fall line-up with no explanation. But a trailer was leaked anyway! HA! It stars some guy from some soap as Aquaman, VING effing RHAMES and is narrated by SMALLVILLE STAR / MICHAEL McKEAN wife ANNETTE O'TOOLE.

TV RANT: Will & Grace, OC finales.


So last night a lot of things came to an end: specifically, me having to watch Debra Messing or Mischa Barton on TV anymore. The WILL & GRACE 2 hour series finale was about as gay as they come. The first hour was a self-gratifying look back at the "historic" show, making viewers remember how good it was when it started. The second hour was the eye-roll-enducing conclusion of the series. Will and Grace had a falling out because Grace chose to reunite with Leo and raise their kid for a year in Rome. Even when she moved back to NYC, she and Will didn't really get back together for 18 years (yes, you heard me) when their two kids go to the same college. "Aging" the two actors included giving them bad hair and apparently dipping them in acid. Adding insult to injury, their kids end up getting married! Good. Riddance.
THE OC went out with a bang, and, as predicted MISCHA BARTON WAS KILLED, and the villagers rejoiced. She was still around for a good 45 minutes though, in which she looked sulky, wore a bikini, and reminded me of my favorite former flame of hers / time bomb - Oliver. Then it looked like she was just going to "sail away to the Greek Isles" (aka make a return when her movie career didn't pan out), and I was about to punch the TV, but as my wise roomie pointed out, there were 11 minutes left, which turned out to be just enough time to kill a bitch. Mischa's character got hers via a car accident. Respectable actor / fight enthusiast / DNC speaker / dreamboat Ben McKenzie survived the crash and pulled her out of the rubble just before it combusted into fire to celebrate Mischa's death. But she wasn't gone yet - she had a few moments to exit the only way she knew how - through soft mumblings and bad acting. Then we got a preview of what to expect next season - which is apparently her bad-ass lil' sis camping it up and her mom possibly getting an Emmy for best crying scene on an expensive bed. Meanwhile, a bunch of Mischa fans have created a petition to get her back on the show, even though it was her who wanted off it! But to THE OC I say thank you - you never let me down. I'll be seeing you come September.

WILLIAM HUNG IS THE ARTICHOKE KING!


Riding the coat tails of coat tails, Castroville, CA, "the artichoke capital of the world" named William Hung, American Idol reject who's still stretching out his 15 minutes of fame, their Artichoke King. The festival's art and crafts director admitted that it's merely an attention-gaining gimmick. "We've already gotten a lot of exposure from it," she said. Exposure that I, popzilla, am in no way contributing to.
Anycrap, if you're in or around Castroville on Sunday, you can see Mr. Hung ride a float and sing abominal versions of "Surfin' USA" and "Achy Breaky Heart."

NICHOLAS CAGE OWNS TWO ISLANDS.


If you think there's something wrong with this, don't worry - you're not alone. But it's true. Nicholas Cage now owns two islands in the Bahamas. I'm sure the locals love him.

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME...


Winona started it all, but now we've moved to Martha to Katie, and now SPF. A website has been launched entitled SAVESEANPRESTON.ORG which sells T-shirts and is pseudo-concerned about the kid's well-being. The thing is, this is maybe for real. That kid is about as doomed as they come.