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Friday, April 28, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


SMOKE MACHINE HASSELHOFF!

MOVIE HOMEWORK: Stick It.


With the second best movie title of '06 (second only to Snakes on a Plane, obvs), and the promise to have the best parts of "Bring It On" and countless Hilary Swank movies ("Million Dollar Baby", "The Next Karate Kid"), STICK IT is the story of Haley Graham, who, after a run-in with the law, is forced to return to the world from which she fled some years ago. Enrolled in an elite gymnastics program run by the legendary Burt Vickerman (JEFF friggin BRIDGES), Haley's rebellious attitude gives way to something that just might be called team spirit.
Also, it includes the best movie trailer line ever: "THEY DON'T CALL IT GYMNICETICS!"

So this weekend, you had better STICK IT!

TIMEWASTING INTERNET REVOLUTION: Wax on, Wax HOFF


If you haven't been wasting enough time on this blog, and need more things for internet procrastination, check out this amazing website - www.waxhoff.com - where you get to actually WAX THE HAIR OFF HASSELHOFF'S CHEST. Do it.

POINT / COUNTERPOINT: Awake and Sing!

POINT: THIS PLAY IS REALLY GOOD.

COUNTERPOINT: LAUREN AMBROSE IS SO GOOD, SHE SHOULD BE IN MORE PLAYS.

and....GO!


POINT:
Not only is this an excellent revival of Clifford Odets' depression-era tragicomedy, it is simply one of the best plays on Broadway today.
COUNTERPOINT: Wait....Lauren Ambrose is SO GOOD. She should only do plays from here on out . And there are so many plays to choose from....
POINT: The cast is top notch. Zoe Wanamaker, Lauren Ambrose, Ben Gazzara, Mark "Dreamboat"Ruffalo and Pablo "SERIOUS DREAMBOAT" Schrieber all deserve Tony nominations for their masterful work.
COUNTERPOINT: Okay, so she's doing that whole fast-talking 30s lingo thing while wearing a beret, so Ambrose would be perfect in the Marlene Dietrich role in "Witness for the Prosectution." Mostly I just wanna hear her yell, "Wanna kiss me, Duckie?"

POINT: Ben Gazzara, even after a stroke, gives one of the most captivating performances on stage this season. Plus, he's quite a fashion plate.
COUNTERPOINT: OR she could be in an completely new show! Has anyone thought to make "The Hudsucker Proxy" into a musical? Because they should. With Ambrose in the Jennifer Jason Leigh part. I bet my Pulitzer on it - she'd get a Tony.POINT: The direction by Bartlett Sher (of the terribly tedious snoozefest "A Light in the Piazza") redeems himself here not only by delivering terrific performances from his cast but molding the script for a both suspenseful and heartbreaking night. I mean, if Jeff Goldblum likes him, I say amen.

COUNTERPOINT: Wait...I hadn't even considered musicals. Lauren Ambrose can really sing! She would be perfect in "Cabaret" or "Sweet Charity" but they just revived those. I would support her being in basically any musical, but how about if she played Nancy, the beer wench/semi-prostitute with a heart of gold in "Oliver?"

POINT: The set's progressively minimalist appearance not only makes the backdrop of the Great Depression more acute, but shows how the family dynamic of the play's characters is unraveling before our very eyes.
COUNTERPOINT: So even though Ambrose could be in any number of contemporary LaBute or Mamet plays, American classics seem so well suited to her. She could really be in basically any Tennesee Williams play ("Babydoll"? LOL), but how great would she be in "Suddenly, Last Summer"???POINT: Here is proof that Odets can stand the test of time far better than, say, Eugene "The Grumpmeister" O'Neill thanks to this thrillingly contemporary revival.

COUNTERPOINT: Speaking of classics, Ambrose should do Shakespeare! I think the ideal situation would be her as Ophelia opposite Joaquin Phoenix's HAMLET! How hot would that be? And it could be some new , gritty version set in the early '80s to Elvis Costello music. Okay, get some producers on the horn - this is pure gold! LAUREN AMBROSE CAN DO ANYTHING!
....and....TIME....

DRUGS CAN GET YOU AWARDS?!?


I just discovered the existence of the Prism Awards, which recognize accurate depictions of drug, alcohol and tobacco use and addiction in entertainment content. WHAT? Apparently, they've been around for 10 years. Man, do people love giving out awards in this country. Anycrap, this year's winners include:
  • WALK THE LINE - Best Movie
  • WITHOUT A TRACE - Best TV Show drama episode
  • Kelly Rowan from THE OC - Best performance in a TV Drama
  • Georgia Engal from EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND - Performance in a TV Comedy
  • Lori Loughlin from SUMMERLAND - Best performance in a multiepisode storyline
  • S. Epatha Merkerson from LACKAWANNA BLUES - Best performance in a TV movie
  • SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Best TV Comedy episode
  • BEHIND THE CAMERA:THE UNAUTHORIZED STORY OF MORK &MINDY - TV movie
  • THE MONTEL WILLIAMS SHOW - TV talk show
THIS IS THE MOST MADE UP AWARDS SHOW IN HISTORY!!! But any excuse to award S. Epatha Merkerson further or Kelly Rowan or Lori Loughlin AT ALL can only be a good thing.

FOX DOES IT AGAIN!


Just when you thought it couldn't get any better than Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy, Skating with Celebrities, or Nanny 911, Fox has unleashed an all-new reality show bound to captivate the hearts of America. MY BARE LADY (sounding suspiciously like VH1's My Fair Brady, the classic book of the same name, and some Audrey Hepburn movie) will put 4 PORN STARS in West End productions of classic dramas such as "The Cherry Orchard" and will follow their experiences taking a crash course in legitimate acting. By the power of Greyskull, I pronounce this the my favorite new show.

CHARLIE SHEEN KNOWS KIDZ!


Star of Two and a Half Men, possible hunk and probable rageoholic, Charlie Sheen is launching his own kid's clothing line called Sheen Kidz. Sheen was inspired by his two kids, Sam and Lola, and his ever-present money pit from divorce, cocaine, hookers, and shit he's broken along the way.

BALDWIN BOYS STRIKE AGAIN!


To the surprise of no one, Daniel Baldwin, star of such indelible films as Vegas Vamps and Shut Up and Shoot! , was arrested for coke posession in Santa Monica. This news comes just days after his brother Alec was blasted by Jan Maxwell, costar in the Off-Bway prod of Entertaining Mr Sloan, who quit the show due to Alec's violent behavior and is now, in a Basinger move, suing him. So now ONE HALF of the Baldwin boys are in trouble with the law this week. Fingers crossed that Billy and Stephan get into a few jams too!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


SLIGHTLY CONFUSED HASSELHOFF!

BAND OF THE WEEK: Journey.

Clearly, Journey is one of the greatest bands to ever grace us with their presence. I was just reminded of this while watching the "Separate Ways" video this week (see below). How great is this video? I hope that someday Ladystein will get the opportunity to make a music video in an empty dockside warehouse. Also, Journey is touring this summer and COMING TO JONES BEACH. I am totally there. I'll be the one in the banana clip and the ripped up tshirt. Don't stop believing.



BOOK YOUR TIX TO WIMBELDON NOW!

DAVID HASSELHOFF WILL PLAY CAPTAIN HOOK IN A PRODUCTION OF PETER PAN THIS CHRISTMAS IN WIMBELDON. HE IS GETTING PAID 300,000 POUNDS. HE IS WORTH IT. I CANNOT STOP TYPING IN CAPITALS. THIS IS AMAZING.

GAY STORE BULLETIN: LANSBURY RETURNS TO STAGE?


4 Time Tony award winner, Manchurian Candidate vamp, and Murder She Wrote detectress Angela Lansbury has purchased a New York condo and is considering returning to the stage. If she ends up being in Beauty and the Beast, I WILL DIE, but if they revive Dear World, I WILL DIE. With happiness!

A LITTLE SoaP LOVE....

If this still doesn't make you go crazy wishing it was August 18th, I don't know what will. This is beautiful. Unless it's photoshopped, and then I'm 1000% heartbroken.

PLUSHENKO IS A SEX BOMB!

Combining my loves of Tom Jones and men's figure skating, 2006 Olympic gold metalist Evgeni Plushenko performed to "Sex Bomb" at a skating exhibition WEARING A MUSCLE SUIT. This is a combustion of too many great things at one time, is almost certainly the gayest thing ever and is proof positive that the US really won the cold war. Or did we? Take a look:

CELEBRITY PHOTOS OF THE DAMNED: J'Love-Hewitt

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE: The Lousy Chaperone receives 14 Drama Desk nominations.


That's it. Theater, and life as we know it, may be over forever. The Drowsy Chaperone just received 14 Drama Desk nominations. Kindly see my review of this theatrical atrocity and you'll know why I am eating handfuls of hershey kisses and drinking gin out of a flask right now. This is the end.

YOUTUBE A GO GO!

I got a little youtube crazy this morning, but believe me, you're gonna like this. First up - praise the lord and pass the mashed potatoes - THE STRANGERS WITH CANDY TRAILER!





Next up, the greatest American Express commercial since the Martin Scorcese one where he asks his nephew if he wants to turn five again because this one IS WITH WES ANDERSON. Enjoy. No really. You will.





And to round things out, a non-you tube entry: the trailer for "WORDPLAY," a documentary about the New York Times crossword puzzle starring dreamboats JON STEWART and BILL CLINTON. Look here!


Wednesday, April 26, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


THE ANTI-HASSELHOFF!

KATIE HANGS OUT WITH GHOSTS


Well it sure beats hangin' with Tom Cruise. According to Page Six, the house TomKat is currently renting used to be randy with ghosts, and maybe still is! A former tenant said she "heard noises in the house" and described it as "creepy," "haunted" and full of ghosts. I'm sorry, but can Katie's life get any more darksided right now? Next thing you know, she's going to hire a leprechaun nanny for Suri. Fingers crossed...

CHRIS EVANS & JOHANWICH FUG UP COLUMBIA



In case you were afraid that one of the worst books ever written, The Nanny Diaries, wasn't going to be one of the worst movies ever made, don't worry - these stills prove it. Razzies '07, here they come!

DAVID COPPERFIELD FOILS ARMED ROBBERS WITH MAGIC!


No, but really. David Copperfield, illusionist and national oddity/treasure, was walking with his two female assistants when they were stopped outside the Kravis Center in Palm Beach after a performance and were held at gunpoint and told to give up all of their money. The girls complied, but when it came to Copperfield's turn, he pulled out his "empty" pockets to show that he didn't have anything, even though they were stuffed with money, a passport and a cellphone. "I call it reverse pickpocketing" said Copperfield. The robbers were later jailed and held without bail. This proves what I've always said: DAVID COPPERFIELD IS A GENIUS.

JACKO REOPENS NEVERLAND!

Despite the fact that he is now living in Bahrain, Jacko paid $49,000 in fines (he probably got the cash from selling off his Beatles swag) in order to reopen his amusement park of sin/home.

DOLLY OF THE WEEK:


TENNESSEE TOURISM DOLLY!
In a new commercial promoting tourism to Tennessee, Dolly will appear through the miracle of digital insertion in a convertible with ELVIS PRESLEY, a shot taken from the film, "Clambake."

"I've played a lot of stages over the years but there's one I never get tired of that's set for a great time day or night Tennessee," Parton says before an announcer chimes in over scenes of Graceland, the Great Smoky Mountains and several other Tennessee attractions.

Then, Parton turns to Presley and says, "Let's pick it up a little bit, honey. There's all kinds of things to do in Tennessee. But next time, let's take the pink Cadillac."

The ad is being aired in 14 cities within easy driving distance of Tennessee, including St. Louis, Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Atlanta, Louisville, Ky., and Birmingham, Ala. but since I heart y'all so much, I'm gonna let you in on a lil' secret: you can see the ad RIGHT HERE!

PHOTOSHOP OR MIRACLE?


Verdict: Photoshop.

WILL SMITH IS ROBOT, LEGEND.


After last year's successful I, Robot, Will Smith is now making I am Legend. I think the general consensus is that Will Smith is, in fact, a legendary robot. Plus you know this is going to be a great movie when you can say "from the director that brought you Constantine."

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


DOUBLE SHOOTER HASSELHOFF!

NOT BONO: Robin Williams.


No American flag in there - NOT BONO.

VIGGO: Prostitute or Lady Nurse?


Viggo Mortenson will reteam with his History of Violence director, David Cronenberg, on Eastern Promises. The project, written by Steve Knight (Dirty Pretty Things), is a London thriller that centers on a nurse investigating the identity of a Russian girl who dies in childbirth. The nurse stumbles into danger when she learns the woman was a prostitute involved in sex trafficking. Will Viggo play the nurse or the prostitute? Who cares, as long as it isn't Hidalgo 2.

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS: JUICE BOX WINE!


Three Thieves Wines has introduced wine in a box...A JUICE BOX! Starting May 1, they will be available at every Whole Foods that sell wine. The 250 ml boxes are sold 4 to a pack. Said one promoter,"it has blown our f---ing minds.” My thoughts exactly.

JAGGER TO BUSH: No room at the inn!

Sir Mick Jagger, further proving that he is one of the coolest guys still rockin', refused to give up his room in an Austrian hotel after "President" George W. Bush attempted to book it for himself. The president's aides have tried to persuade Jagger, who has spoken out against the war in Iraq, to give the room up - without success. This story just plain makes me giggle. I mean....why would he give up his room? To Bush I say: try the HoJo.

GAY STORE BULLETIN: Rent turns 10, "Stars" turn out.

Unbeweavable but true: RENT is 10 years young! I think we can all remember where we were when this alterna-screamer sucked onto the stage and we all ate it up! We had reason - we were only 15. But other people who were older than us legitimately liked it! It did win a PULITZER PRIZE and 4 WHOLE TONY AWARDS. No really. Look it up. Anycrap, to mark Rent's momentous longevity on the Bway, some "celebrities" came out to celebrate....and by celebrities, we mean....well........Fat One actually being that dude who wears the t-shirt to the thing he's seeing. As Jeremy Piven once said, "don't be that guy." Sigh.Um....that chick from American Idol who got thrown off the show for internet porn.....
That dude from American Idol who always looks dirty....Um....that dude from My So-Called Life? I think?Um.....?I'm pretty sure this is the crypt keeper trying to keep her death mask on. Yup, definitely.

Monday, April 24, 2006

HASSELHOFF OF THE DAY:


NAKED SHOTGUN HASSELHOFF!

STARS TO KUTCHER: You, Sir, are PUNK'D!


So apparently, there are loads of people who were set up to be punk'd or actually were but their segments were never aired. The majority of these people were, in fact, punk'd but didn't sign the releases for MTV to air their segments, including Ryan Phillippe, Edward Norton, and JoJo, who didn't want her fans to see her swearing. Other stars saw the cameras during the Punk'ing, such as Simple Plan, Nick Cannon, and the Black Eyed Peas, while MTV simply forgot to air some stars' segments, such as Juliette Lewis and Pitbull. What in the what? MTV needs to remember Juliette Lewis because I bet that shit is hilarious!

COOLEST NEW FAD TO POSSIBLY END IN DEATH: Ghostriding the Whip

So there is this new phenomenon where people "Ghostride the Whip," aka let their cars coast in drive with their stereos blasting and DANCING ON THEIR CARS. This is the coolest thing to ever watch and also will certainly lead to car crashes, dance crashes, and probable death. Ghostride the Whip safely, kiddies!



THE "WHAT THE EFF?" MOVIE OF THE DAY:


Looking like a B Italian movie, and perhaps actually being one, OUR ITALIAN HUSBAND is the story of an Italian woman who flies to New York City in search of her husband and discovers him married to an American wife. Isn't poligamy so zany? Anycrap, it stars BROOKE SHIELDS and CHEVY CHASE. I think that I speak for all of us when I say, "WHAT THE EFF?!?!"

Friday, April 21, 2006

DISCOVERY OF THE WEEK: Nikki Reed!

In researching the career of Nikki Reed (Thirteen, The OC), this OTHER Nikki Reed, celebrity impersonator, was discovered! I have to say that this new Nikki Reed is HOT SHIT. Here are some of the celebrities she impersonates.


DOLLY PARTON:


CRUELLA DE VILLE:

CRYSTAL GAYLE: